Cynthia Giocomarra, PsyD.
Psychotherapy and Life Coaching

As a child, I was always reminded that every cloud had a silver lining.  Of course, this statement has little or no meaning for a six year old, but that never stopped my dad from reminding me. He was one of those optimists that really could see the good in any and all situations, events, and people.  That, I have grown to learn, is a gift in and of itself.  To continue his legacy of bright eyed positivism, I have come to love the work of Dr. Marty Seligman and his brainchild, Positive Psychology.  Dr. Seligman is one of those rare geniuses (he is a tenured prof at UPenn-and last I checked, it was still an Ivy League institution which churns out quite a bit of interesting research).  If one knows about the history of psychology in the United States, one knows that funding for research orbited around psychopathology for the better part of half a century.  The fact that research on happiness-authentic happiness at that!-was pursued at all in a legitimate sense can be attributed to the work of Dr. Seligman (IMHO).  So what of this body of work? Well, it suggests what my dad knew all along.  That optimism can be learned, and that your perception is really important.  So what of this economic downturn?  To be honest, my family seems to have benefitted from this crisis in that we all spend much more quality time together.  I mean, when was the last time you saw teenagers actually engaged in conversation that didn't involve a handheld device? Exactly.  So when people come to me complaining about how terrible it is now that their satelite tv has been canceled, I invite them to craft a game of charades with their kids.  Some people I have suggested this ti have taken my advice and reported to me that they are having more fun with their families than before.  Kudos to them!  Their kids are better off with their parents spending more creative time with them, no doubt about it.  Seeing the upside of this downturn is one part of the learned optimism I teach clients.  Seeing the glass half full is seeing more closeness out no Dish Network.

,More than likely we have all heard someone use the phrase; "Everything happens for a reason."  Now, depending on one's circumstances at the times of receiving this age-old adage, the reaction will, no doubt, vary from complete agreement to utter disgust.  Over the weekend, the small, close-knit community in which I live experienced  a devastating fire.  This Town Center hosts a series of businesses, ranging from attorneys, real estate offices, postal services, the library, civic buildings, various doctors, and a few tasty eateries.  Naturally, in a resort community, the town would host a few bars for nightlife.  There are four such watering holes in this center, all catering to the full gamut of patrons (from 20-somethings to dedicated octogenarians).  The most frequented of these nightspots was sandwiched between a law office and a party rental service (there was a child care center in the works as well).  This bar went up in flames early Friday morning and took out the entire row of businesses on each side.   This is a devastating event for the people in this community.  Needless to say, several families are now suffering the anxiety and fear of the unknown, given that there places of business have been completely destroyed.  But what makes this event the more tragic, is that early the nest morning, someone decided to hurl a Molotov cocktail at the entrance of one of the other bars!  This really added insult to injury because the entire community is now walking on pins and needles wondering if there is a crazed arsonist with a vendetta against booze-backed businesses lurking about.  And they have every right to feel this way!  Believe  me, I understand the impact that fear of the unknown can have on one's life (its my business to understand), but how does one wrap one's brain around the phrase that I hear being uttered around town; "Everything happens for a reason" ??  That idea can be a really tough sell in situations like this.  (Actually, that idea is a hard sell for a significant amount of folks anyway.)  I would like to think that these tragic events (the child care center -The Drop-Off- being lost really breaks my heart because this was a service that is especially needed in the community) are going to result in a positive outcome for the victims involved.  I pray that that will be the case.  I also pray that the person that tossed the Molotov  cocktail at the second business makes different (better!) decisions in the future. 
I suppose that everything does happens for a reason, and with patience and faith the reasons for tragic events become clear.

I admit that I appreciate the humor found in irony as much as the next person.  I especially love irony that borders on the absurd, you know, the kind that makes you bite your tongue so as not to squeal at the top of your lungs about the absurdity of life. One of those absurdities is the plastic shopping bag irony/absurdity.  Now let me preface this by saying that I am a true proponent of the idea that one person can make a huge impact on life/the planet/the economy (hey! I'm an optimist, remember?) by doing things in a certain way. That's great, I am all for going the extra mile to save our home.  But, one of the things that has me scratching my head is the plastic bag absurdity.  I was at the grocery store the other day and the check-out clerk asked if I would like to purchase a non-plastic shopping bag.  I told her that I wouldn't mind taking a couple (they seemed like convenient transportation bags for such things as library books).  The woman behind me then decided to educate me on the importance of saving our planet.  I agreed with her that this was indeed a noble and needed pursuit.  I noticed that she had about a half dozen of these totes in her possession (clearly she was ahead of the curve and had purchased them eons ago-or at least a couple of weeks ago).  She explained that since she passes on the entire "paper or plastic" dilemma by providing her own carry-all for groceries, she is doing her part in saving the planet.  I found it to be ironic that she had a jumbo-sized box of trash bags.  I didn't point out her plastic-waste-discrepancy but, I did find the whole interaction took on absurd proportions when she boarded her Hummer in the parking lot!  So, all this brings me to this; is it not more noble to drive a Hummer, purchase plastic bags, but carry a portion of one's organic arugula in earth-friendly totes, all the while beginning to be more aware of one's impact on the planet than it is to simply drive a Hummer, and to buy and use excess plastic bags in a clueless fashion?  I mean, honestly, is the planet not far better off to have this woman simply thinking about saving it from destruction than it is having her remain clueless? I say yes.  So, hats off to the woman that is doing her part.  Now how ironic is that?

Neale Donald Walsh states in his weekly newsletters that: "Human beings, CwG says, are not motivated to behave well because of fear of what will happen if they don't. Human beings are motivated to behave well because they hold a particular image of themselves --- that is, because they see themselves as a certain kind of person. "Every act," the text (Conversations with God) tells us, "is an act of self-definition." Once people understand this, their behaviors are affected forever.
This seems like a reasonable enough statement that anyone with a modicum of common sense would agree with.  However, I am constantly reminded that the majority of those walking the earth today are in denial about their role in their reality.  Recently, someone close to me shared a story  about someone  we both know.  It seems that the person's previous spouse is having a difficult time digesting the basic premise of cause and effect.  This individual, it seems, has had a history of exhibiting disinterest in the lives of their immediate family members.  Now, the family has decided to exclude the individual from from being invited to various family functions.  The behaviors in the past (the cause if you will) were such that they pointed to a lack of interest in the family events in general by the individual.  If the individual was not directly benefited, they opted out of participation.  Given that dynamic, it should have come as no surprise that eventually the lackadaisical disinterest paid to the affected family members would translate as all out exclusion in the long run (the effect).  Well, lo and behold, the distracted party has all of a sudden come to realize that their presence was no longer an issue for the key family members, that in effect, they have "moved on" without the disinterested member.  Why is this important?  Because, a basic lack of understanding, and implementation, of the Golden Rule, coupled with the law of cause and effect has resulted in a lot of heartache for the individual that heretofore was uninterested in these kinds of events.  Now, they are scratching their head in confusion.  Puzzled, they present the family with, "What happened??!!" instead of, "Oh! I see that my previous behaviors have resulted in my being ultimately excluded form activities."  It is unfortunate that the individual never got a grasp on such a basic law as cause and effect.  This shows me that the importance of teaching our children that every action has an equal and opposite reaction is not just an equation used in physics class, but an idea that pencils out in real life on a day to day basis.   Once we become awakened to this realization, we cannot go back to the irresponsible state of mind that ignorance of this basic law previously afforded.  Neale Donald Walsh's statement of decisions and behaviors working to define who we are,  really is an example "the mind as parachute" metaphor, that once a mind has been opened, it cannot snap back to being closed.  And with greater awareness, greater freedom is found.  If it is true that I am responsible for my life (and I am a major supporter of this premise!) then it is true that my life can be just as wonderful as I want it to be!  That is to say, that once a person is awakened to their own power, they become FREE to live a better life.  By being aware of the law of cause and effect, the actions, intentions, decisions, and ultimately the thought processes generated by this now-aware-person will work in such a way that everything they put into the pipeline will come out in the way that is most beneficial to them.  Oh happy day!  By knowing this simple truth,  we can turn our lives around in the areas that need turning.  And this is a freeing notion.  So what of the individual that is dumbfounded by their shunning?  They can certainly turn around the negative effects that their negative causation has created.  But they have to start now...what is done is done.  They cannot change the past.  They can, however, take responsibility today and work on new effects by making new causation in this moment.  Placing blame for one's failures on others, perpetuates the negative effects they are experiencing.  So carpe diem! Seize today and take responsibility for life.  Change your thinking and you truly will change your life.

I have discovered that blogging is a lot like working out; if you miss a day, it will turn into two, then three, and, well, you get the picture.  Is it Newton's law of motion which explains that a body in motion stays in motion, while a body at rest stays at rest? (I will have to Google that.)  This law translates to mean that for a burgeoning blogger; a writer that's writing continues to write, while a writer that's not writing is simply not writing!  And with summer right around the corner, actually the 'official' summer begins first week of June (schools recess for the season) it is no wonder that the seductive arms of laziness and lounging look plenty inviting to not just myself. 
I love summer, if only for the fact that I don't need to get kids to school at the first ray of light!  Which brings me to my point (yes there is one), what do you do with teenagers and 'tweens for an entire 12 weeks?  You encourage them to find some kind of a job of course.  And finding jobs for teens in an economy as we are experiencing it can look like a lot of different things.  Finding a job does not have to mean getting a paycheck.  For me, it means having someplace to go, and participating in something other than an MTV marathon of The Hills. 
In the community which we live, there is a theater group that performs various popular plays.  Now, all of my kids are 'Theater Kids' and are involved in the various aspects one finds in stage performing.  What is great is that each of my kids have natural talents and preferences that express themselves in the different arenas around productions.   Each one shines in a different setting, from costumes, to staging, to dancing, to singing.  The great thing is that they learn to interact with each other in a broader group that is different from the family or school.  I am learning that as the kids develop their particular talents more, the more they feel relaxed in their own skin.  That is an amazing thing to witness.  It is one thing to be party to an awakening of a set of talents, and a whole other thing to become a witness to an evolving gift.  If you are unsure what to do with/for your kids this summer, try investigating the community theater groups.  Its not for everyone, I know, but if it seems like fun to your kids, its worth checking out.  Have fun!

"I feel great!"  That was the response I got from a woman I haven't seen in a while when I ran into her at the pool this afternoon.  Now, this woman is a really good person; the kind that would take your dog for the weekend even though she has four kids, one of which is a special needs child, and a puppy that has yet to be house trained (at the time that she extended her kindness to me in this way, my puppy was not yet house trained!) .  She would watch your dog so you could have a romantic getaway with your significant other/spouse.  She is a rare gem.  One of the reasons  I am so fond of her is because she is usually upbeat and always genuine.  Honestly! It is as if she focuses her attention on only the good part of the biggerpicture.  In short, she is kind.  We started chatting and she mentioned that she believes that it is very important to simply feel good.  I noticed as I spoke with her that I felt so peaceful, and happy just sitting with her soaking in the sun (spf70 of course!) and feeling grateful.  Later I read a quote from Abraham/Esther Hicks that feeling good in the ,moment was the ultimate experience.  What struck me about the synchronicity of the quote and the conversation was that it was a simple pleasure that made me feel so good-just spending some time with someone that I am fond of and truly admire, while in a beautiful setting. Nice.  I wish everyone to feel good this day and every day. Happy Mother's Day!
"The only goal we'd ever set: Wanna feel good. Wanna feel good. Wanna feel good. Wanna feel as good as I can feel from where I am." Abraham

I just read an article about a county in Oregon (Multnomah County to be precise) that is in the process of cutting about 200 jobs.  However, if you are an adept Twitterer, Myspace, or Facebook user you may be in luck.  In the face of such significant cut backs, the county has realized the value of these social media sites...er, tools...and is going full steam ahead in its search for the perfect candidate (dare I say, the perfect Twerson??).  Because of the popularity of the sites the county sees that hiring a fulltime Social Media Coordinater is the best way to get the citizens of Multnomah in the know with county events and services.  Hmmmm, sounds like a savvy county.  I would bet a dollar that this new positin will start to pop up in most counties in the country.  So, who is going to apply for this job??
http://www.kptv.com/money/19405751/detail.html

I love Twitter, let me start off by making you privy to this simple truth.  Why do I love Twitter? Because of its magnitude (I follow/am followed by people from every continent) and because of its speed (a lot can be expressed when you are not expected to be long-winded--talk about getting to the point!).  Having said that, I was skimming a series of blogs posted by other "Tweeple" (I admit I love the corny lingo as well) and came upon a blog that insisted readers (or ersatz readers if you really think about it)  place no value on quality content and that they only loiter on your blog for a mere 36 seconds.  The notion was that our collective minds and attention are not gratified by the Best-Of anything (they likened it to the McDonalds formula-make a burger good enough and it will be bought, rather than attempting to make the best burger in the world).  The writer was a proponent of pumping out mediocre content, and a lot of it, quickly!  I cringed.  Not because I believe I am to become the Best-Of-Bloggers, but because we as a society have come to accept mediocrity in all its various arenas.  Personally, I would like to challenge the nay-sayers of quality and invite them to put their best efforts forward.   And in staying in alignment with the writers insistence that the reader only stays a half minute on a blog, I closed the link after 30 seconds.  Ahhh, the laws of attraction at work!

I was reading a blog earlier, the premise of which was that events around us are mirrors of what is happening inside ourselves. Basically whatever wee see around us, for example people laughing and being in a generally congenial mindset, is a projection of our own good mood.  Conversely, if what we see around us is hostility and road rage (let's say) that is a reflection  of aggressions within ourselves as well.  Jung said that everything that irritates us about others can lead to better understanding of ourselves.  How we were programmed growing up will play a role in our reactions today.  Here is an example, I have a friend that when growing up was sentenced to cleaning the family bathroom as a punishment for breaking family rules (I remember that one rule she particularly liked to violate was not eating corn chips while in her bed...the crumbs drove her mother crazy, but she did it anyway).  While chipping away at her punishment, toothbrush in hand, angrily scrubbing the moldy grout of the shower, she was forced to use Pine Sol.  The green kind.  Let me tell you that to this day, if she so much as gets a whiff of Pine Sol in a restaurant bathroom, she hightails it out of there! So is it because she detests the smell of the forest green cleanser? No.  The scent conjures memories of her forced labor as a rebellious child.  To take it a step further, she was in the market for a cleaning woman,  when a new candidate showed up at her doorstep with her tools of the trade-vacuum, mops, windex- she refused entry to the woman until she sacked the Pine Sol.  Unreasonable? Maybe.  But it was a mirror of uncomfortable memories and of her mother's overbearing demeanor.  Interestingly, this friend demonstrates some of the same behaviors and rigidity that she was exposed to as a child.  All the quirks in our behaviors came from somewhere-some from childhood memories, others from more recent events.  Nevertheless, next time you find yourself getting irked by someone's behavior, scan yourself and you may discover something about yourself you previously were clear about.  We discover in ourselves what others conceal from us, and we see in others what we hide from ourselves.  Interesting stuff.